Filled in the census form today. The wife said she couldn't do it because she's allergic to pens.
It's funny that, but this 'pen allergy' only usually manifests itself when there are letters to be written, forms to fill in, cards to write and what have you - but she experiences temporary remission if she's doing a sudoku, orwriting telephone numbers down on the backs of old envelopes.
She's a bit weird like that. She doesn't store details on her laptop, or her iPhone or even in an old fashioned address book - she fucking scribbles shit down on the backs of envelopes.
She calls it "My system" and insists that she knows where everything is. Which is an absolute load of old bollocks. If I ask her where the number is for - say a Chinese or Indian takeaway, she'll say:
"It's on the back of the gas bill."
"Where's the gas bill,"
"On top of the telephone bill."
And so on.
Confused? I know I am.
Anyway - it was me who filled in the census form. She reckons it's so 'they' can spy on us, but I reckon that's just another shitty excuse she uses so that she can get me to fill the fucking thing in while she looks at yet even more shite on eBay.
She got us tickets today for the stage production of 'Mrs Brown's Boys' - the sweary Irish telly thing with Brendan O'Carroll - except the stage show's called 'Good Mourning Mrs Brown.' Should be a laugh. There's a trilogy of books by Brendan O'Carroll about Mrs Brown - I read 'em years ago. And if memory serves, there was a movie too, with Anjelica Houston as Agnes. The stage show's more of a farce though, like the recent TV series. O'Carroll's milked the MRS Brown character for all it's worth. Still, it should be fun.
No footy this weekend - unless you count England. Don't think I'll be watching that. Watching England is like watching fucking paint dry. All patchy. Boring as arseholes.
Got to go - it's my turn to put the kettle on.
She's on eBay - of fucking hell...now she's got the tape measure out...
Laters.
Friday, 25 March 2011
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Tuesday The 22nd - Why Are Tuesdays Weird?
What is it about Tuesdays? I mean, most people kind of hate Mondays, but since I stopped working rolling shift patterns, I don't really mind Mondays - it's Tuesdays that I can't seem to understand.
They're neither here nor there. Or so it seems to me.
Anyway, I had loads of things to do today, but as usual, I didn't do most of them. I did feed the cat though. It may not appear to be overly significant to most people, but I would imagine it was pretty important for the cat.
Pleased to announce that I made two new friends over the past year - internet friends. Except they aren't really internet friends any more because we've met up a few times and they really are great guys. One of them's a scientist and the other is - not sure what really, but he's worked in the media and all that.
You wouldn't think - at least on paper - that we'd get on, but we do.
I digress again. I'm always digressing. It's a fatal character flaw. I tend to get all excited about something when I'm in the middle of something else, and shoot off on tangents.
Did I say I'd been offered a pair of tickets to see the TV comedian John Bishop at the Royal Albert Hall? I'm not going. He's a Scouser, and he has one of those really nasal voices that get on my nerves.
Where was I?
Oh, yes - earlier tonight, the wife and I were sitting watching the telly and chatting, and we watched the biggest two hours of junk TV I think I've ever seen.
One was about two kids - an obese boy, and an anorexic girl, and the startling conclusion was that he needs to eat less, and she needs to eat more. Some fairly interesting psychological experiments were undertaken in order to help these kids. There were obviously familial issues going on there, which is sad and should be addressed with appropriate assistance, but the overwhelming feeling was one of intrusive voyeurism.
Then it was Katie Price. Reality TV my arse! I've never watched any of her shows before, but as I write for a spoof news website, and she's been a staple, I thought we'd have a look. Harvey at the Christmas tree, Harvey in a bubblebath, (What happened to protecting the kids, Katie?)Katie goes to LA and Vegas, gets her hair done, has a row with that Alex chappy, gets her hair done again and signs some books. I pity the cameramen assigned to that show. How mundane must that be? Eight hours in an LA hairdressers with the divine Katie's head in a sink? WTF?
I'm sure they'd rather be filming Ross Kemp in Afghanistan or something. I know I would if I was in their shoes.
All in all - two hours of my life I'll never get back...
They're neither here nor there. Or so it seems to me.
Anyway, I had loads of things to do today, but as usual, I didn't do most of them. I did feed the cat though. It may not appear to be overly significant to most people, but I would imagine it was pretty important for the cat.
Pleased to announce that I made two new friends over the past year - internet friends. Except they aren't really internet friends any more because we've met up a few times and they really are great guys. One of them's a scientist and the other is - not sure what really, but he's worked in the media and all that.
You wouldn't think - at least on paper - that we'd get on, but we do.
I digress again. I'm always digressing. It's a fatal character flaw. I tend to get all excited about something when I'm in the middle of something else, and shoot off on tangents.
Did I say I'd been offered a pair of tickets to see the TV comedian John Bishop at the Royal Albert Hall? I'm not going. He's a Scouser, and he has one of those really nasal voices that get on my nerves.
Where was I?
Oh, yes - earlier tonight, the wife and I were sitting watching the telly and chatting, and we watched the biggest two hours of junk TV I think I've ever seen.
One was about two kids - an obese boy, and an anorexic girl, and the startling conclusion was that he needs to eat less, and she needs to eat more. Some fairly interesting psychological experiments were undertaken in order to help these kids. There were obviously familial issues going on there, which is sad and should be addressed with appropriate assistance, but the overwhelming feeling was one of intrusive voyeurism.
Then it was Katie Price. Reality TV my arse! I've never watched any of her shows before, but as I write for a spoof news website, and she's been a staple, I thought we'd have a look. Harvey at the Christmas tree, Harvey in a bubblebath, (What happened to protecting the kids, Katie?)Katie goes to LA and Vegas, gets her hair done, has a row with that Alex chappy, gets her hair done again and signs some books. I pity the cameramen assigned to that show. How mundane must that be? Eight hours in an LA hairdressers with the divine Katie's head in a sink? WTF?
I'm sure they'd rather be filming Ross Kemp in Afghanistan or something. I know I would if I was in their shoes.
All in all - two hours of my life I'll never get back...
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Confusion.
Sunday 13th March
Nothing happened in my life. Nothing eventful anyway.
United won and we'll be playing City at Wembley in the cup semi finals.
Looking at a new job tomorrow - anything will do for now - I'm getting bored just sitting around killing time, but anything's got to be better than the ten years of purgatory I just endured.
Anyway - I don't want to bang on about that.
Terrible thing, that earthquake and tsunami in Japan - and what was unbelievable was the way the media connected everything and anything to it, and the sickly-sweet messages in the newspapers.
And the doomsayers - ah yes, the frigging Nostradamus merchants and their ilk coming out of the woodwork to tell us we're all doomed. That it's all the beginning of the Mayan prophecy.
Fuck off!
The Mayans lived up mountains and carried out ritual human sacrifices to appease the Gods. And they died out. Who better to listen to than the Mayans eh?
What a load of old bollocks.
Since I stopped working I've been watching 'Deadliest Catch' on Discovery as often as I can. Now that's the kind of job I'd like. Crab fishing in the Bering Sea. Well, it would have been okay a few years ago, but I don't know if I'd be up for it these days, what with me bad back and me dodgy knee.
(There is some interesting stuff going on in my life really, but I can't talk about it yet. Mum's the word.)
Nothing happened in my life. Nothing eventful anyway.
United won and we'll be playing City at Wembley in the cup semi finals.
Looking at a new job tomorrow - anything will do for now - I'm getting bored just sitting around killing time, but anything's got to be better than the ten years of purgatory I just endured.
Anyway - I don't want to bang on about that.
Terrible thing, that earthquake and tsunami in Japan - and what was unbelievable was the way the media connected everything and anything to it, and the sickly-sweet messages in the newspapers.
And the doomsayers - ah yes, the frigging Nostradamus merchants and their ilk coming out of the woodwork to tell us we're all doomed. That it's all the beginning of the Mayan prophecy.
Fuck off!
The Mayans lived up mountains and carried out ritual human sacrifices to appease the Gods. And they died out. Who better to listen to than the Mayans eh?
What a load of old bollocks.
Since I stopped working I've been watching 'Deadliest Catch' on Discovery as often as I can. Now that's the kind of job I'd like. Crab fishing in the Bering Sea. Well, it would have been okay a few years ago, but I don't know if I'd be up for it these days, what with me bad back and me dodgy knee.
(There is some interesting stuff going on in my life really, but I can't talk about it yet. Mum's the word.)
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Working For Dickheads
This isn't a rant in any way, but for the last ten years I've been working for a company with aspirations of being a 'World Class' company.
It's just a joke. As usual. So I finally had enough and walked.
Maybe I'm a shade arrogant (I don't think so, but some do) and I kind of object to being hauled up on disciplinary charges by people who are barely literate. Anyone who works for a multi-national company will get where I'm coming from here. It's all about corporate image and sucking up.
I don't do that. I tolerated it for long enough and got embroiled in internal politics, and I've decided that enough is enough. Count me out. Even prawns don't have to tolerate shit for ten years.
It's a gamble, in a recession, but it was either walk away or go mad.
I'm already mad, so I walked away sideways. How the hell are you supposed to take managers seriously when they have to ask you for the correct spelling to fill in forms?
Only problem is, my sleep patterns have been a bit haywire the last three or four days. I blame it on the Discovery channel.
And just to prove I'm not going a bit mental - I see that I have two followers on my blog! Hello birbee and Nick!
Just for information - birb - read your chilli blog earlier. Loved it. We've got some Scotch Bonnets and Birds Eyes growing out the back. I like chilli but I'm not suicidal - once saw a guy's face turn pink and start to swell up eating a hot curry! Lips looked like Lesley ash after a while. Silly arse!
And Nick - played one of your tracks from You Tube last night - found the old foot tapping involuntarily. Good stuff. The one with the blonde woman singing. Sounded a bit like Blondie.(Strangely enough!) Enjoyed it.
Stick with it chaps - all is not lost.
It's just a joke. As usual. So I finally had enough and walked.
Maybe I'm a shade arrogant (I don't think so, but some do) and I kind of object to being hauled up on disciplinary charges by people who are barely literate. Anyone who works for a multi-national company will get where I'm coming from here. It's all about corporate image and sucking up.
I don't do that. I tolerated it for long enough and got embroiled in internal politics, and I've decided that enough is enough. Count me out. Even prawns don't have to tolerate shit for ten years.
It's a gamble, in a recession, but it was either walk away or go mad.
I'm already mad, so I walked away sideways. How the hell are you supposed to take managers seriously when they have to ask you for the correct spelling to fill in forms?
Only problem is, my sleep patterns have been a bit haywire the last three or four days. I blame it on the Discovery channel.
And just to prove I'm not going a bit mental - I see that I have two followers on my blog! Hello birbee and Nick!
Just for information - birb - read your chilli blog earlier. Loved it. We've got some Scotch Bonnets and Birds Eyes growing out the back. I like chilli but I'm not suicidal - once saw a guy's face turn pink and start to swell up eating a hot curry! Lips looked like Lesley ash after a while. Silly arse!
And Nick - played one of your tracks from You Tube last night - found the old foot tapping involuntarily. Good stuff. The one with the blonde woman singing. Sounded a bit like Blondie.(Strangely enough!) Enjoyed it.
Stick with it chaps - all is not lost.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
United Lost
Fair enough - a soft penalty, but we've been on the end of a few favourable decisions over the years, so it all evens itself out in the long run.
Today, spent waiting - the legendary seaton Carew taught me how to wait with dignity - for a washing machine delivery.
It didn't come.
The wife's just come home from work and I suspect that she suspects I've dozed off or something and missed the delivery man.
I didn't. I was watching a movie on the telly - anything's better than watching Dickinson's Real Deal, and then I watched the football. That was crap. But, you win some, you lose some. It's all good.
Mind you, she's still glaring at me, and now the cat's joined in...
Time to turn on the old Skoob charm...
Nah, that's not working.
She won't be happy until I get another job....
Martin Shuttlecock (as was)
Today, spent waiting - the legendary seaton Carew taught me how to wait with dignity - for a washing machine delivery.
It didn't come.
The wife's just come home from work and I suspect that she suspects I've dozed off or something and missed the delivery man.
I didn't. I was watching a movie on the telly - anything's better than watching Dickinson's Real Deal, and then I watched the football. That was crap. But, you win some, you lose some. It's all good.
Mind you, she's still glaring at me, and now the cat's joined in...
Time to turn on the old Skoob charm...
Nah, that's not working.
She won't be happy until I get another job....
Martin Shuttlecock (as was)
Monday, 28 February 2011
Nothing Happened
28/02/11
Nothing happened today.
I stayed up half the night writing a skewed view of the Oscars for the Spoof.
Then slept half the day.
Then got up and yawned a lot.
Now I'm off back to bed.
Nothing happened today.
I stayed up half the night writing a skewed view of the Oscars for the Spoof.
Then slept half the day.
Then got up and yawned a lot.
Now I'm off back to bed.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Days 3 & 4
Late Sunday night, 27/28th Feb 2011
Funny old weekend.
Weather's all over the shop.
Had a bugger of a hailstorm Saturday morning - size of basketballs they were. Not really. More like the size of hundreds and thousands, or Sprinkles as I believe our American brethren call them.
Made quite a racket pounding the windows though.
Then we got rain. A lot of it. Same sunday. Rain, rain, and then more rain, with sunny spells in between.
My Nan used to blame the space rockets. She said they punched holes in the atmosphere every time a man went to the moon. Maybe she was right.
United won yesterday. I wrote a nonsensical article about Wayne Rooney's elbow. It did quite well.
Fucking boring as arseholes weekend really.
Went shopping today. The wife wanted some bread and some veg. It only took an hour. That's pretty good for her - she usually squeezes every loaf in the bread aisle testing them for freshness. Takes an eternity just getting past the bread.
She did a new one today. Picked up one of those plastic bags of pre-weighed potatoes - and then started shuffling the spuds around in the bag! She claimed she was testing them for freshness.
When we got back, we watched the Carling Cup Final on the box. Birmingham City upset the odds and beat the Arsenal. Which was nice. I've got relatives in Birmingham. They'll all be out on the town tonight supping ale and going for a dippy (balti)
.They likes their grub up there in Brum.
Speaking of which, we had this mad seafood thing in bechamel sauce with fancy mashed spuds and veg for tea. The wife's got indigestion now. I'm alright though.
She's on her laptop as I write this...learning Spanish again. God knows why. She's not too bad at it really - when in Rome, she speaks a bit of Spanish. Same in France....
It's the Oscars in a couple of hours - I'm kind of debating whether to stay up and watch it or not.
Interesting about Banksy, the Bristol street artist who won't allow his face to be shown in the media. He's up for a gong, but the powers that be have told him that they won't let him in if he shows up in disguise, so I did a Spoof news article about him turning up in a burkha.
Be fucking brilliant if he does!
Martin Shuttlecock.
Funny old weekend.
Weather's all over the shop.
Had a bugger of a hailstorm Saturday morning - size of basketballs they were. Not really. More like the size of hundreds and thousands, or Sprinkles as I believe our American brethren call them.
Made quite a racket pounding the windows though.
Then we got rain. A lot of it. Same sunday. Rain, rain, and then more rain, with sunny spells in between.
My Nan used to blame the space rockets. She said they punched holes in the atmosphere every time a man went to the moon. Maybe she was right.
United won yesterday. I wrote a nonsensical article about Wayne Rooney's elbow. It did quite well.
Fucking boring as arseholes weekend really.
Went shopping today. The wife wanted some bread and some veg. It only took an hour. That's pretty good for her - she usually squeezes every loaf in the bread aisle testing them for freshness. Takes an eternity just getting past the bread.
She did a new one today. Picked up one of those plastic bags of pre-weighed potatoes - and then started shuffling the spuds around in the bag! She claimed she was testing them for freshness.
When we got back, we watched the Carling Cup Final on the box. Birmingham City upset the odds and beat the Arsenal. Which was nice. I've got relatives in Birmingham. They'll all be out on the town tonight supping ale and going for a dippy (balti)
.They likes their grub up there in Brum.
Speaking of which, we had this mad seafood thing in bechamel sauce with fancy mashed spuds and veg for tea. The wife's got indigestion now. I'm alright though.
She's on her laptop as I write this...learning Spanish again. God knows why. She's not too bad at it really - when in Rome, she speaks a bit of Spanish. Same in France....
It's the Oscars in a couple of hours - I'm kind of debating whether to stay up and watch it or not.
Interesting about Banksy, the Bristol street artist who won't allow his face to be shown in the media. He's up for a gong, but the powers that be have told him that they won't let him in if he shows up in disguise, so I did a Spoof news article about him turning up in a burkha.
Be fucking brilliant if he does!
Martin Shuttlecock.
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